These last few days have been big learning experiences…or more bluntly said…has been quite a shaky balancing act
On Thursday my training didn’t go very well. I wasn’t in state, I wasn’t interested and probably wasn’t prepared enough. I definitely didn’t feel satisfied with my performance even though it was the 2nd time I did that type of workshop. So I got a lot of feedback from my colleagues and the client and eventually was taken out of the camp for fear my reputation would be damaged.
Initially when I heard that I was being taken out of the camp I felt dissapointed and worried. Disapointed because I let my team down and worried because I was afraid they would give up on me. I’ve never been taken out of a camp before and I have never gotten a complaint from the client. So now after 4 months I got one (which on the bright side is quite good actually). Maybe a word of comfort is that I know most of the trainers, even the best ones, have received complaints…and they are still here, fighting on to get better – and that’s what I must do…persevere.
Being taken out of the camp was painful yes, but it actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. That weekend I would’ve been juggling coaching, which would be all day, a toastmasters contest where I would be MCing, and stay healthy at the same time. Not training this weekend has allowed me to focus on coaching and the toastmasters more…and allowed me to recover from the last training.
I still have this feeling of disappointment because I have done something that i know I shouldn’t: over commit. I said ‘Yes’ to coaching full-time knowing full well that it would eat up almost a week…and knowing I had training and toastmasters too. During coaching (which the camp is still going on) I must admit that i didn’t do all the activities at my best, I was secretly wanting to be somewhere else, or doing something more useful. I really don’t like the feeling of not ‘being’ at a place, focusing on what is going on at that present moment. My mind was wandering and worrying about what I should be doing. I even attended I ‘mandatory’ meeting but didn’t get anything out of it and ended up waiting 3 hours of my time. What a terrible feeling. It doesn’t look good on my part to be there half assed. And i know it’s a pattern in my life. I just want to do everything and then sacrificing the quality.
Simple is good. Focus is good.
I have taken myself out of the camp to recoperate and work on my traing next week which will require lots of preparation, and time.
So, I will plan more carefully and thoroughly and whatever i commit to doing, I will do it with the best I can.
One of my wise friends gave this interesting analogy of self improvement that kind of stuck with me: in order for us to move forward towards our goals, we must go through times of being unbalanced like when new things don’t work out and we’re out of our comfort zone making mistakes, then we become proficient, comfortable and balanced again. Then the cycle keeps on going: balanced, unbalanced, every time we step forward it isn’t always stable but at least we’re moving forward.
Yes, even being unbalanced, screwing up, making mistakes is moving forward and I feel that I have moved forward and gotten stronger because of it.